i did try

:')

a living homo sapien creature with many thoughts in mind. shall i say it complex?

first, it's about how you think you freeze in time and not moving anywhere. felt that in a way people are changing. you can see that from their attitudes, their perseverance to change. but you? as if you're the same, staying in the same attitude. you just couldn't deny that you've tried. but you just can't. or maybe not enough.

then comes about staying to be you. but somehow it just affect others. the moment you be yourself, people are judging. like come on. you don't know what's in my mind. like sometimes i don't think what people are thinking. now i deem myself as of being isolated. mentally.

have i mention that i'd rather stay reserved each day? i mean each passing day. getting more reserved. you can see from the reason on the top, if i say something, people judge. even if i don't say anything, people still judge. what's wrong with this world? i admit that i just love to keep for myself. not that i'm feelingless. but i just feel that it's not that important for others to know. i know. alter ego.

then comes the haunted mind of the future. of the endless thinking that i've made each day. like. is this how adults deal with their lives? i just shut. and blurt out in any possible time. but just with some people. but yet. the biggest secret lies within me. i don't care how much people dig. i just don't want people to see me there. in that state.

seen one.

if you want me in your life, you'll find the way to put me there.

nuff said.

love still

i do not know what He plans for me
but yet, I will just carry on with the plan
or rather let it freeze in time
last week's theme for tarbiyah:
check your intention
check your intention
check your intention

the confusion is not something that i long for
i just want it to end real soon
to have the answer that i've waited for a long time
but
there is nothing to fight for
there is no one to fight with but yourself

the fight is not about where to live
the conversation is much deeper on
the path that i'm gonna take in the future
what's my plan?
how strong is my determination?
could i feel the highest momentum of iman?

time beats me fast that i've never noticed i'm far left behind
being in time is exhausting
let alone catching after it

i wonder

does my dunya clock is ticking so fast that my death is closely approaching?
my Allah ease everything and accept my repentance....

thinking beyond

i reckon it is a struggle to somehow think differently
i admit that it's hard for me to express my idea
for it to be wayy too different or wayy not related to the context

i'm just pretty scared
to let
people judge me
on my writing

like really

why is it hard to be different
or maybe it's just me
who haven't discover the way to channel it
hmm

falter again?

racing and pacing with time.
with thoughts ahead for all this while.
Allah knows how much i bear inside.
for that i don't want people to bring me down.

weird isn't it.
how people somehow cleared their thoughts.
but eventually transfer it to others.

fairly a new path after a wander

ranting on something else, i'd rather have a quiet space, with no intention of knowing anybody to enjoy a peace of mind. if someone happen to bum into this piece of writing, i just want you to know that, it is a life diary, with no declamation of other people.



=)